Posts

Ok, it's been a long time since I posted anything but I'm having one of those moments. I'm sitting in my apartment for the last time. Tomorrow I move into a new apartment with my boyfriend. Well, I move in tomorrow, he moves in in about two weeks. So I'm sitting in my apartment for the last time. the thing that I've been thinking about, not just now, but for the last month or so since we signed the lease, is that, if this works out (with the boyfriend) then this is the last time I will ever live alone. EVER. I love living alone. I also love my boyfriend. I'm ready to take the next step with him. There's just something about that idea of leaving behind a stage of your life. It feels exactly like the last night at home before I went off to college. The night before I left for college I hung out with my then-best-friend Imogene. We went to the movies and went out to dinner and smoked cigarettes in her car and didn't talk about what was happening the next day. We tried to be in the moment, just being ourselves, who we were at that moment and who we would never be again - high school friends who lived in our parents homes, by our parents rules. We were girls. We didn't know what it was like to pay our own rent. We didn't know what it was like to find work that would support us and to get paychecks made out to us and to be worried about being laid off. And we knew, sitting in my car, smoking our Camel lights and debating about how many calories the nicotine would help us burn, that this part of our life was over. We were leaving behind adolescence.

So what am I leaving behind right now? This post-college, I have a job that I sort of like now, friends who I've built a family of sorts with, a city that I love and hate. Nothing is really changing. But it is. Something big is changing. I'm leaving something behind but I'm also entering something new and big. Maybe that's scarier than leaving something behind. Maybe it's easier to be nostalgic about what you're leaving than to really understand what you're getting into. 

I'm so thrilled!!

 I've finally started to really put myself out there with my dog tees, I've been sending links to my dog blog  and samples of my tees out and it's actually paying off! This has been a huge step for me this year, with my writing and with my other creative pursuits, like Rattle and Bark. I'm not expecting overnight success with either, but it's important that I start putting myself out there so that good things can happen.

Check out my press from these two blogs: NYC Dog Blog and Gotham Unleashed

I've been in a bit of a funk lately - sort of re-evaluating where I am in my life - career, goals, writing, etc. and feeling a little down about things. But, thanks to some great friends and an amazing boyfriend I feel like I'm starting to come out of it. Here are some observations on the way out.

1. Those Best Buy commercials where the salesmen talk about how great they are for installing people's TV's depress me - I don't want to see a commercial about how important TV is to people.

2. My boyfriend has a theory that the occasional roach that appears on it's back in my bathtub are coming from a hole in wall right above the edge of my bathtub, so that it hits the rim then slides down and ends up on its back. I think this is way less exciting than my theory that they come out of the drain but have a weird disease that makes them have a seizure and flip over onto their backs. I think I've been watching too much 'House.'

3. There is a serious hole in my grown up wardrobe: blouses. Let's get some of those. 

4. I'm going to cut out booze for all of next week - I just want to see how it makes me feel. I've been going out a lot and I find that if I have more than one drink my motivation to get up for the gym the next morning is shot. Plus, who needs the extra calories?

5.  I really like printing - i've been doing a lot of experiments with linoleum blocks, carving rubber stamps and printing with stencils. I totally dig it. Check out some of my work so far at my Rattle and Bark blog: http://rattleandbark.blogspot.com/

6. I'm not as bad at my job as I think I am sometimes. Sometimes, I'm even good at it.

7. I need to get better at self promoting. This is something I hate about trying to start my business. I was telling my boyfriend that I didn't want to take the dog tees into stores, that I just want to sell them on my own, but that's not entirely true, it's really that I'm scared to do that. I hate admiting that, and this is something I really want to get over this year. You never totally get over fear, but I have to take a few stabs at it.  

Wow, first post of 09, lots of pressure - but I have to say, this year is starting off wonderfully! Only one bad thing has happened so far and I sort of need to get it out of the way: I almost threw up at Bikram yoga. I don't know if it's just being out of shape, or the fact that I had some peanut butter toast 2 hours before class ( I really need to not eat before class at all. like, it must be about 5 hours before class or something...) So anyway, i'm in class and I start to feel really lightheaded and panicky and I'll looking at my yoga mat like I'm going to hurl on it. So I run out of the room, take a bunch of cool air deep breaths and realize that I have to go back, this is ridiculous. I can't just leave after 20 minutes of a 90 minute class. So I go back in and the instructor says to me, "Did you throw up?" in front of everyone. I really wanted to die. If throwing up is my top 1 least favorite thing to do, then being embarassed in front of a group of people is my top 2nd least favorite thing to do. I shook my head no, and then thought I was going to throw up again out of embarassment.

But in the spirit of starting the new year off right, I always like to make myself a little list of things that I want for the new year.  This year I also want to do something a little different, look back at last year and how much happened. I feel like that's always pretty amazing what can happen in a year.

Things that happened:

My amazing boyfriend, we just celebrated our one year anniversary at the end of November. The best thing he said to me over the holidays was, "Sometimes I feel like we've only been going out a few months." and he meant it in a good way, not a wow, who the hell are you??? kind of way... I think... Anyway, he makes me really happy

I got Rattle and Bark off the ground. OK, not far off the ground, but up and running and in the name of Rattle and Bark I've taught myself embroidery and I'm about to teach myself (this week in fact!) printing with linoleum blocks so I can do some gretting cards and print on canvas bags and stuff.

I let some stuff go this year. Just released it into the wind and sometimes it does hang over me still, but for the most part I feel like I've been able to work on some stuff that's really tripped me up in the past.

I finished the first draft of my screenplay. I have to go back to it and start on the second draft - and soon, but hey, I got my first draft done.

Things that I want to happen in the new year:

1. I want to be more productive with the projects I love. I've had a rush of ideas in the New Year - partly inspired by the new medium that I've been experimenting with, and will continue to experiment with, but I need to do more. Like Sigourney Weaver said to Melanie Griffith in Working Girl, "Who makes it happen Tess?" and Tess says, "I make it happen." Corny, but true. This year, I'm going to make it happen. Without the shoulder pads and big hair though...

2. I want to be a better friend and a better girlfriend. This is something that goes on the list every year. Well, the friend part does, I've never had a boyfriend who made me want to be a better girlfriend before...

3. Take charge of my life more. If I want it to be different I have to change it, but be smart about it.

4. Final drafts. Or at least second drafts... the screenplay and the novel. It's time... Last year was all about gutting the novel and building the screenplay's skeleton. Now it's time to put it all together. 

Kind of a rough day at work yesterday - my favorite colleague got laid off and it was her last day, and work just sucked. It was one of those sucky days. Plus I felt fat all day. Like ALL day.

But, I'm feeling less fat today, and I'm thinking about all the things I have to look forward to - first of all my business cards are en-route! I'm stalking them on the Fed Ex tracking site like they're Brad and Angelina and I work for Stars! Right now they're in Maspeth, NY! They're on the truck for delivery! Hopefully someone at my building will sign for those puppies...

Also - this week is all about the skills for me  - I've decided to sign up for a class in web design. I think it's something that will be vital to my business as it will be mostly an online thing at first. I've been frustrated with my inability to deal with my website on my own and I want to change that. I want to be able to design things and update them and be more in control of getting my work out there. I'm looking at some classes through Parsons School of Design. Does anyone have any experience with those classes?

Next skill - embroidery. I am getting a book on this and going to get super good at it instantly so that I can embroider some of the dog tees. This should be easier than the time I bought a book on wed design and thought I'd instantly get good at that. Embroidery: Get a book; Wed Design: take a class.

Also, I got invited to a holiday party that a prop stylist that I know is throwing. He's this awesome Italian guy. Very intense. And he has a friend/neighbor who has a dog couture business... I'm going to try to charm her and get her to be my mentor...

Lots of things in the works! Just the way I like it. BTW, my biz cards are still in Maspeth... I wish they had Twitter and could give me an update. Although it would probably be: We are in a box. Stop stalking us.

Hello Vox writers!

I am starting a new literary journal with some friends called Fat and Happy. I know there are a lot of you writers out here - please submit your stories - and pass along to writer friends!

Here's the deal:

Fat and Happy is a fresh, new literary journal launching in Spring 2009. We are seeking to publish new voices and established writers. If you wrote a story, we want to read it.

We are currently looking for submissions for the first and second issues of Fat and Happy in the categories of literary fiction (up to 7000 words), narrative non-fiction (personal essay, 1500-2000 words), short fiction (3000 words or less) and art (must be black and white). We are not accepting regular non-fiction at this time.

Chosen entries will be published in Fat and Happy. There is no payment for publication, but authors will receive copies of the publication with their story in it.

Deadline for submissions is January 30th.

Submissions must be original, previously unpublished works. Please email submissions to: fatandhappysubmissions@gmail.com. Our website Fatandhappy.com is currently under construction, please visit us there in the future.

I'm obsessed with this movie. I got it from Netflix and I've watched it like 20 times... that's pretty much all I have to say right now. Back at work today after vacation. Woof. 

I feel like I've been gone forever. First I went down to DC with the fam, which was great but also very intense. I come from a family of type A overachievers. A lot of them. Thanksgiving is always a time for me when I re-evaluate what I'm doing and where I'm going with my life. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not ambitious on my own, but these people would make Sarah Palin look unambitious.

Anyway, after that I came back to New York - Saturday was my one year anniversary with my boyfriend. We went to see the Nutcracker - which I have to admit, always makes me feel kind of classy when I see it... and then had dinner at his place. Next morning we were up early to go to Montreal. Montreal is amazing. People keep asking me why and the explanation always seems so simple to me that it feels like I'm leaving something out. The food is amazing, there are great microbreweries, and the entire city - well country really - is obsessed with hockey. We went to see a Canadiens game -which was 95% sold out on a Tuesday night playing the Thrashers - apparently a crap team or so I'm told, and the place freaked out every time the Canadiens got the puck across the blue line the entire stadium freaked out.

The highlight of the trip was a restaurant we went to - L'Inconnu that was fantastic. It was a chef owned little French/Quebequois place. The food was unreal. If you are ever in that city I would highly recommend it...

It was really hard to come back to the city, but one thing that made it easier was seeing two of my best friends the next day. Going away and coming back is such a freaking rollercoaster. You're sad to come home, then you're happy to be home.

But I got so much done for the business this weekend - first of all, I got my dog blog going - the blog that is for the dog shirts alone. Second, one of the people that is my role model for my business answered my email in which I wrote to her asking for advice. She was wonderful - really encouraging and helpful. I also got an order in for my business cards, wrote a first draft of my press release and sent it off to my friend the PR agent, and I came up with a new idea for a product - well two products actually, but the first one is more doable right now than the other one.

First of all, just so I don't bury the lead, the dog site is up!!!

www.rattleandbark.com

Take a look! Please let me know what you think... there are still things I want to improve, but please forward to all your small-dog-having buddies!

And now, in other news...

It's been a really really strange few weeks. I haven't written because things have felt so up in the air. A few weeks ago my boss called me into her office and let me know that I might be getting laid off. She didn't know for sure, and she was really sorry, I was a great employee, yadda yadda yadda. But she wanted to look out for me, and for me to look out for myself. She even set me up with another job interview. Being at work was really hard after that. When things were good, it was hard because I felt like I was going to be out of there at any minute. When things were bad it sucked because it felt pointless.

But it made me re-evaluate things. I really want to have my dog tee business, but it's not off the ground yet. I really want to be a writer but the book's not done yet and I don't have an agent. My job has been to make other people's creative visions happen. And sometimes I get to interject some of my own creativity - sometimes it's a collaboration with the photographers, but sometimes it's not and I just feel like an administrator. So then I started thinking that this was a really good thing. I made some phone calls, I got some opportunities lined up for freelancing part time while I did my own thing.

And then my boss called today - from her home, she's on vacation right now. She told me my job was safe, and wanted to make sure I hadn't found anyting else yet. I'm having mixed emotions. On the one hand, I feel like the girl on "America's Next Top Model" who Tyra tells she's got to cut someone... and then lowers her head and whispers, "Congratulations, you are still in the running for becoming America's next top model." I want to flap my hands a little and tear up.  I want to tell Tyra that I'm going to get my act together and she doesn't have to worry about me being a diva when it comes to body paint anymore.

But then there's the other part of me that's dissapointed, that feels like this window just closed and this is where I'm going to be forever, making other people's visions come to life.

I need to find a middle ground with this - I know what I want to do, adn I can still do it. I don't have to be unemployed to get my book published or my dog site out to the word. And when I'm ready to go out on my own, I'll know it. I won't need an economic crisis to give me that final push.

I need to figure out a better way to deal with stress. The following tactics are failing:

1. Drinking coffee. Why would I think this would help?

2. Hot yoga: You can only do this so often, if I tried to raise the office temperature to 100 degrees and started stretching around here I'm pretty sure I would get fired.

3. Tapping my pencil while thinking of other jobs I could get if I get fired. Now that the car industry is taking a downturn I have had to cross "General Motors test driver" off of this list. Which is too bad. Seeing as how I can totally drive, this is the job on my list that I am most qualified for.

4. One of my coworkers likes to log on to cuteoverload.com when she's feeling this way. Sometimes she sends me links to make me feel better and then I get worried that I'm basically looking at animal porn to make myself feel better. What if one day I can't feel better without it.

5. Writing on my blog: Sometimes helps, but more a diversion tactic than anything else.

6. Biting my lips. Satisfying in the moment but ultimately does not help and looks bad which makes me look less cute and therefore, I believe, makes me much more fireable.