I had the best sleep last night - I was totally exhausted - I'd been in this chilled out fog all morning from yoga, then went into a cranky fog later in the afternoon and was just tired by the end of the day. I had wine and cheese with friends who just got engaged and I tried to get their dog Scout to fit into one of my dog tees. Scout was totally into it and really tried to fit into the shirt - he was surprisingly still while I tried to put it on him, but it was just too small. He kept sniffing it after I pulled it off him though and I felt like he was sort of like one of those models who tries to squeeze into the sample sizes after they've been on a serious champagne and birthday cake binge... (this is what I imagine models do when they do on binges. It's totaly what I would do). It was kind of a bummer that Scout didn't fit into the shirt, but I do have two ofther dogs whose owners have volunteered their dogs. And one of these dogs is so ridiculously cute. She is like the Shawn Johnson of pugs.
After dinner I talked to my boyfriend on the phone for a while about the website - he is doing such a kickass job. Seriously. It's like every time day the site gets closer and closer to where I want it to be. It's starting to look really good... I keep wondering in the back of my mind, will this really work? (not the website, the business in general). It's one of those thoughts that creeps in while you're writing, or really trying to create anything. Will this work? And it's hard not to have certain expectations for any of these endeavors - I wish there was some sort of litmus test for these things that you could try out at home - like dump it in your bathtub or the lake outside your house if you're luck enough to have one, and if it floats it works. Or flick a switch and if it illuminates the room it works, or put it in a coal mine and if... OK, you get the idea. The only way to tell if these projects "work" is to bring them out into the public. Outside of your studio and see if they have any wings on them. But taking things public is scary too. Even this blog is a little scary. It feels like as though if something isn't hugely successful (brings in big bucks) then it's a failure. If a novel doesn't sell, if no one goes to see a movie, if a product doesn't sell, then it's a failure. Why isn't it enough of a success to have made something?
Maybe this is why I love making myself lists all the time. It gives you a small feeling of success. You write down a list and then when you do things you cross them off and that right there is your success - mission completed. I have a professor from college who was giving me advice about a project that I was nervous about. I was supposed to interview another class memeber about the class we had been through together and record the interview. He purposely matched me up with someone that I didn't get along with in the class. I told him that I was nervous that my own insecurities and nervousness would creep into and become a part of the interview. Here was his response, "Well, it will. Here's what you do. First of all, do you drink?" I said yes. "Good, then have a drink while you're interviewing her, and the whole time if you're right handed, use your left hand to lift the glass. This will give you a small sense of victory and accomplishment and help you get through the bigger task at hand." It was maybe the best advice I ever got.
I woke up somewhat early this morning (I meant to wake up, go running, and then work on my drawing for the website's home page, but I was having a make-out dream so I overslept a bit...). Make-out dreams are so weird. I either have two reactions to them - either I feel totally guilty in the dream because I have a boyfriend and I can't actually bring myself to make-out with the dream person, or I do makeout with them and then wake up feeling guilty. This dream was of the second variety. I went hog wild making out with the dream guy (who is a celebrity, so maybe it just felt so unreal that it didn't occurr to me to feel guilty in the dream?) and then woke up feeling guilty. There's usually a Jimmeny Cricket sort of conscience character in these make-out dreams, someone that reminds me that I have a boyfriend and should not be making out with anyone. This time the conscience character was my boss at work which was a little unnerving...
Anyway, I got up at a reasonable hour and did some drawing for the website. I like the drawings, I think they'll look good on the website. Plus it was fun just to make something.
Comments
"keep wondering in the back of my mind, will this really work? (not the website, the business in general)."
i'm planning to open a yoga studio in a few years. the problem is that i'd be leaving an incredibly stable (albeit boring) office job in order to do so. that's something that i struggle with all the time. i'm deathly scared that it's not going to work out. then what? it would be less risky to just stay in my cubicle for the rest of my life, but i can guarantee you, i'd be far less happy.
go for it!
no guts, no glory!